1 hour ago
Packing piles everywhere, dishes in the sink, half-dressed kids, slime-making session just out of frame...and then a stupid marital argument about the T.V. being on (I hate it on) that included exaggerated digs on both our parts (him: “We were enjoying that and now just because you want it off, it’s off. Selfish.” me: “You just can’t enjoy a moment, can you? Way to kill the peace.”). These kind of moments used to make me feel so much shame that the jig was up and we blew our cover—we weren’t the loving beautiful family I had in my mind; we were ugly and argumentative and lazy T.V. watchers. And then anger—mad at everyone for ruining my vision. And then resentment—it’s everyone else’s fault. If there’s one thing that has made me freer, happier, more hopeful, grateful and creative in life, it’s embracing the gray areas, the “both”, the muddy middle. It’s not black and white. It’s not beautiful peaceful family vs. ugly fighting family. We are both. We are loving, messy, passionate people, and what I see as most beautiful now are nights like this. Scraping through the grit of real life, laughing at our ridiculousness, apologizing for the stories we built in our mind and acted on, talking through compromises and following with excited planning for our big summer trip at the end of this week. I fully expect it to look a lot like tonight...and I embrace it. ❤️ I enjoy it all so much more when I’m not fighting an impossible vision in my head.