1 month ago
There are 7 small, new trees on our property that I’m hoping to nurture, and watch grow and thrive. Three of the trees are larger –8 feet or so. Four of the trees are small – 2-3 feet. Several people asked me what we plan to do with these trees. Are we growing them to tap them for syrup? Maybe someday, but the truth is that each tree represents a baby.
We’ve been pregnant 7 times and we have two children. However, I have had three children. On June 20, 2011, our son Alexander was stillborn. You might think it had to be the worst experience of my life. But 8 years later, I realize how lucky I am to have had those few, precious moments with him. There was something devastatingly beautiful about that day. I felt the love a mother can have for a child and lost it all at once too. Moments that are fleeting can often be the ones we hold most dear because they’re full of intense love.
In the weeks and months that followed, I was an empty shell. Recovery is a long process after you lose a child, and some days, I’m still walking through it. For instance, when we decided to move here, we knew it was right for our family but what was I going to do about Alexander? He’s buried in a cemetery outside of Chicago. How could I leave him? I agonized over it and many days here I’m still working to give myself permission to be ok with it. Honestly, I sometimes feel like I abandoned him.
However, at night when I put the chickens to sleep, it’s quiet here. It’s peaceful and beautiful. With the sunsets and the sky all around me, I feel him more here than I ever did at the old house. I stand there and I watch the sun go to sleep and it always makes me feel like I can see a bit of heaven. The moon takes over and sometimes in that moment, I know he’s here with us.
I’ve shared his birth story on my mom blog today at www.theeverydaymomlife.com. If you would like to know more about him and us, read it. Just make sure you have a little time and a few tissues. #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbornawareness #farmhouselife #heavenisforreal #stillbornbutstillborn #rememberingmybaby #miscarriage #sugarmaple #sugarmaples