3 weeks ago
I uhhhh... I signed up for a half marathon. ( #sufferfest ) In Zion National Park. ( #scenicsufferfest ) This autoimmune situation has thrown me for a loop in terms of exercise. Certain modalities make me feel better than others. Recently though, I found myself declaring and subscribing to the idea that “I CAN’T run anymore.” So... as someone who preaches the importance of mindset... 🙃 let’s run. Am I doing this because I’m really really stubborn? Yes. But I’m also doing this because I refuse to be defined by some wicked little antibodies that have set up shop in my body. I refuse to shape my identity or rest my soul upon a physiological process I had no say in. For a long time I had to be an ambassador of my sickness. I had to explain to those around me why I couldn’t think faster, perform better, push harder. I had to own my sickness to gain the understanding of others...to survive. I didn’t plan for the day when everybody around me already understood, but here we are. Those who still accept me and choose to fight with me are still here. Those who couldn’t carry this with me are not. The cookie, as they say, has crumbled. I’m understood. I’m seen. I’m loved. I have a support system. The only person left in my way is me. This might be the world’s slowest half, but it’s not about a time or a prize. It’s about rewiring my mind to believe boldly in the strength I’ve regained in the last year. It’s about affirming out loud my belief that I am getting better, that I will continue to get better, and that you reading this can also claw your way out of whatever darkness you may be in. It’s so much more about the process than the finish line. This race is not for Jesus, and I’d be lying if I wrote about running as though it were holy. But this fight comes from him. This fight comes from a belief that God created me to be more than somebody who takes supplements and eats really well. This fight comes from months of digging through ideas of purpose and choosing to believe that even now, even while depleted and tired, I still have a purpose. If you’re in the dark, say this with me: “I believe I will get better.” Say it until you believe it. Then fight.