1 day ago
Bedroom window views.
Ah, yes, I did say I would talk about the the Tea Festival that occured on Sunday (I was there selling prints of my photography).
I was incredibly nervous, and it turned out I really needn't have been. I made a lot of sales and had so many fantastic interactions (my anxiety has been rampant these days, so this felt like a Big Deal). One lovely lady even told me my work gave her goosebumps, and that she had been a fan of my photography for 7 years! That was, surprisingly, actually quite a grounding moment for me. In the sense that I am constantly fearing the worst from people, and eternally feeling hypercritical of both myself and my work. When in reality, maybe I *do* deserve success and happiness. It's tricky, because certain comments will haunt me and send me spiralling back into self doubt - things seem to hurt doubly when you're hiding inner turmoil from those around you - I'm sure many of you can relate, but equally it somehow feels mortifying to admit and say, 'you know, I'm going through something right now so please be more mindful', because trying to forget while also being hyper aware is...well. But getting myself back out there into the art community helped more than I ever imagined it would, and already has opened up so many new opportunities and potential collaborations. I feel excited about photography again. I had forgotten how deep my love runs. This is my passion.
With dizzying highs I am also prone to crushing lows when the buzz wears off. But, despite that, I feel better equipped now. I may not be able to forget those thoughts and mindset (that's just how it is. I'm changed), and I don't know if I will ever truly feel as carefree as I did prior to deep bouts of depression but the difference now is that my knee-jerk reaction no longer to minimise myself. I can't return to being a shell of a person. The consequences of that effect more than just me.
I have to find a way to reframe the way I see the world and perhaps this is the start.
I would like to one day be as free as the elderly lady dancing with bare feet to folk music upon the dewy grass. I watched her in awe at the festival and I will be thinking of her often.