4 hours ago
Reflections pt. 2 I want to expand on the doubtful moments I experienced in light of the moon 3 nights ago. I had “treated” myself to a cup of tea spiked with Bubba Kush honey 🍯 I used to smoke a lot, but since my back injury last September, I’ve cut down all my treats. Why? Because when you start to MEDITATE and gain clarity, you don’t wanna fog up the goggles. But it was a full moon, so I got fucking ripped on tea, and that’s when the fears crept in. I started overthinking each song, each post, each meme. I think our mind naturally doubts itself when we are feeding it foreign elements. I kept looking down, chin to chest, asking my heart ‘are we good?’, and my heart answered with calm and steady beats. This may seem funny to you, but I’m not really a heartfelt person, my hearts been in an iron clad safe for decades, so checking in with the ticker is new to me. See, I need “proofs”. I need words, information, discussion, descriptions, TRIAL AND ERROR. I never trusted my feelings. Feelings got me in trouble. What changed? Without getting preachy, God changed me. Ppl always say, you have to love yourself, but no one tells you how. So after trying on a bunch of things that seemed to make other people happy, there was only one thing left, God. I was desperate, I needed to believe that I was lovable in-spite of all my dark and dusty. I had to bite down, hard, on my pride, and get to know the guy/gal. I will always have strong opinions about the establishment behind religion, but I will always respect information that has stood the test of time-the bible, astrology, myth, psychoanalysis, traditional Chinese medicine, Ayurveda, yoga, shamanistic medicine like ayahuasca, and more recently quantum physics. These have been my tools for healing, and these have become my addiction. If you’re serious about healing you need to get serious about forgiving yourself, and I couldn’t learn that without learning to accept forgiveness from God. Now I know, unconditional love is always available, I was just blocking it with my conditions. Be easy on yourself. Ppl have not loved you unconditionally before, and that leaves deep scars. Time heals. Love heals. Don’t trust me. Trust God.