17 hours ago
Associate - “Denise your husband is on the phone.” . Kevin- “Hey babe, I wanted to let you know I let my sister take the kids to a birthday party.” . …..LONG PAUSE . Me- “why?” (Tears start rolling down my face, anxiety starts to consume my body and mind) Kevin- “Because I know if I asked you, you would have said no.” . You guys, I promised myself as I grew up that I would not ever let my past affect my future. And there I was standing behind the registers on the phone with my husband, crying because for the first time I had NO CONTROL & NO SAY over my kids being at a party. . I feared for my kids because my husband nor myself were present. I know to some of you this may not seem like a big deal and like I’m exaggerating, but the anxiety I get when I think about something happening to my kids is SOOO SOO REAL. . I could not stop thinking about them being at a birthday party where I didn’t even know the family, In a car with my sister In law about an hour away from home. All my brain kept think was what if…. . What if she gets into an accident? What if someone hurts one or both of my kids? What If something goes wrong and my sister in law cant save or protect them? . I did not talk to my husband much that day when I came home from work…. I was angry because it seemed like he did not understand my concerns, fears, or why my past was making me feel this way now. . I was ready for the kids to get home and as soon as I saw her car pull up, I immediately went to open the door. There they were running towards me, bright eyed, and happy and then there was me emotionally drained, puffy eyed, but so so greatful because they were safe and home with me. . Id like to say that it gets easier as they get older but it doesn’t. What iv learned though and try to remember is, that not all people are bad, that car accidents happen and not on purpose, and that even when things seem scary that God is in fully in control. . So For now, I will control what I can and protect them when they are with me, talk to them about life, strangers, and private parts, and provide an environment that is safe and that fosters deep conversation, secrets, and laughter.