1 hour ago
This post is because I miss California and I miss my family and my grandmother the most. She just passed away about a month ago. And most of the people in these photos and videos don’t talk to the people in the others, some aren’t even sad grandmother is gone. The anger, hurt, dysfunction, addiction, mental health and generational wounding that has caused giant rifts in our family breaks my heart everyday. I sit in this odd place in the middle of it all. Everyone talks to me. Everyone includes me in their life. I often feel as if I am the last bit of glue holding the very broken pieces of our family together. Yet outside of them I am aware that none of these things are my fault or responsibility. And that I have done the best I can and been the best I could be without jeopardizing my own safety. My heart still aches because I love each and every single person in my family in spite of the immense emotional turbulence they all have with each other. There is the hurt and there is also my love for all of them. And the place I’m in right now is difficult. The processing I have ahead of me is frightening. I am all at once sadness, hurt, anger and love and unable to untangle them all for the moment. The last picture is the last ever picture I will ever have of me and grandmother. Some of the other pictures are of my favourite hidden beach, my mother and I, my cousins and I and the videos are my cousins pet pigs and dogs who bring so much joy and comfort and laughter to us. Grandmother never really liked the animals but she knew how much we did so she would just say that my cousin Nichole was collecting them two by two for her ark. That always made me smile. I’m just trying to hold on to those happy memories.