1 day ago
10. Life is about more than just surviving
I'm still shocked by what happened, when some guards accompany me and Octavia to my room. My heart went crazy in my chest when the grounder tried to throw himself on Lexa with the dagger in his hand. My hands are still shaking only when I think back to how close I was to losing her. It is now more than clear what I feel, even if I don't want to admit it to myself. I'm afraid of the feelings and the emotions I feel towards her, and I'm even more afraid of the fact that if I try to repress them I'm even worse. It is precisely for this reason that while I am discussing with Octavia, who still believes that Lexa is trying to exterminate our people, I remain speechless and unable to reply when she says: "Why am I not surprised that you’re still defending her?". Immediately I try to show that I didn't realize that Octavia noticed the feelings I have towards Lexa, and I hurry out of the room, referring to her with a: "Stay here".
When I'm in front of Lexa's door I enter without even knocking, and I find her sitting with her back against the bed, her legs crossed and her eyes closed. Immediately I try to shake myself from the thought of how absolutely perfect she is, and I interrupt her meditation saying: "Someone tried to kill you today, how are you this calm?". She opens her eyes and looks in front of her, then turns to me, asking: "You’re angry about the kill order" and I say yes, knowing full well that if she hadn't given it, it would probably be today even a lot worse. She immediately continues talking, saying: "How else would you have me enforce a blockade?" and I avoid her question by asking her: "So when do we have to leave?". I see the sadness and the disappointment invading the bright green of her eyes.